Today, on August 30th 2022, I am 28 years old, an adult queer non-binary person, opening up on what I feel regarding on of my rapist. I am a white person who was raped by several men of colour and several white man, those events having transformed my perception and experience in living in a whiteness existence. It has made me afraid of some men and closer to others. This text, though, will explore mainly my anger and the consequences that some rapes can have on the mind, body and souls of victims.
I don’t remember your name.
You lied and I believed.
You lied and I dissociated.
I remember your face though, appearing at the blink of an eye. This is not a love letter though, this is anger piece. This is me putting all my strength in these words, trying to make sense of what happened to you – therefore, to me. When you raped me, rapist, you raped by soul, body and spirit, your hurt me at a level that is unfathomable : you broke me in a millions pieces and I am still not rebuilt.
I don’t want to waste my ink for you, but I shall be precise in this endeavour and tell what lured me into your dangerous embrace : you said you were a feminist, you said you wanted to walk away from your strict religious upbringings, you said you admired strong women like me, you said you respected that I am queer : all lies.
You created an us when you raped me, the worst kind of « we ». You intruded me, your sliced me in half with a sword of sexual violence, you penetrated me without my consent and for that I know you are cursed forever. I will haunt you forever, in your dreams, in your nightmares, in your sexual relationships, in every step you take I want to be your shadow of death.
It is rough to write these words, but the moon has helped me a thousand times to get me until now. Full, deep and wild, like me, like my soul, like my body you raped like a savage, ignorant of sacred, you stole my innoncence and my lightness. In a black magic ritual, you murdered me and for that I’ll kill you back. You are sick, my dear rapist, as you ignore that life exist in a body that lays in front of you. You entered my holy home and you destroyed everything on your path, you spat on my doorstep and you insulted by whole being by just the touch you.
I repeat, you are sick but not crazy. It not crazyness or madness that create rapists, it’s the will to rape, the clear impulse to murder a soul and a body, to suffocate someone else in a gesture of destructio.
Dear rapist, to me, you are dead. You have to healthy bone in you body to rest, you’re a being of darkness and genocidal nature. My anger transforms in hate as I think about you and I trully, really, want you gone.
It will be seven years next September. Do you still think about me ? Because I do – think about you, in flashes, in pain, in anger too. In my head, there has been a trial, with a judge, a defense attorney, a lawyer you and I. There, standing in all my power, I am proud to be the person I am today and I speak clearly and loudly about what you’ve done to me.
You kissed me forcefully, you entered my bedroom and you assassinated me. Your touch burned me and you penis in me has broken me forever. Your slaps and your nasty words, you face, your eyes, your weigh on me, all of that makes me want to throw up. You’re not the only one who did it to me. Other men have raped but you, you were the first. After you came a colony of dangerous men who manipulated me into sex that was rape, I’ve suffered coercition, conjugal rape, psychological manipulation and hate crimes.
You need to know to that in hurting me you hurt my friend that was here at the house, she heard it all and she felt my pain through her soul and bones. You traumatized her too and It took her years to repair – The wounds you created were as deep as the violence you used to kill me. Know, dear rapist that with my power and my witchyness, I will make of myself someone bright and strong and beautiful.
Dear rapist – you unconscious piece of shit – I know now that you are a real one, a real rapist that will and has for sure done it again. You’re a multirecidivist horror man and I will regret for the rest of my life not having filed a complaint against you. I don’t believe in the carceral system and I would have wanted to talk with you and a judge alone to face you in front of you crime. Now it’s too late hence I write this letter to free myself and to repair my pieces one after the other. I’m pretty sure you’re confident enough to not fear me but you don’t know me and you will never.
I want you to remember my eyes always and never ever forget that as beautiful they are they can become black and magical, that from afar I can built a castel in which you lose yourself to death. Don’t forget that when you rape a witch, you find a whole family of witches waiting on to defend themselves. Be aware rapist, of the power of the divine.
Now, looking back, I can write that I haven’t forgiven you and that I will never forgive you. You don’t deserve forgiveness but maybe, and I really say maybe, understanding in the context of your existence. You have to know deep down that you’re a heterosexual criminal, that you deserve to be judged by experts of sexual violence who’ll be able to make you realize the consequences of your actions. Even though I have trust in restorative justice, and with the time passed, the amount of damage you’ve done to me, you’re a lost cause, you’ll die in Infierno, mental anger and you’ll never ever meet you soulmate in this life.
Because of you and the other rapists, I’ve ended up in psychiatric hospitals four times already, I’ve suffered raped in those places where you’re supposed to heal, but I’ve gained to capacity to verbally defend myself and physically liberate my strenght when needed. If you were close to right now, I would hold a knife to your throat and make you cry. I you rip your balls off with that same knife and kill you right there, with a dagger in your heart.
Now that my anger is back, I will make those Ideas of revenge my dreams and my inner work will bring me peace of mind. I’m not as restless as I used to be and my nightware are not so dark. Believe my horror man, I am strong and I will live because I deserve everything.
I am your victim, but I am no victim in the broader spectrum of my life. You didn’t destroy me totally, don’t be so sure of yourself. Don’t think you’ve won because you havent’, you just tried but I’m stronger than you as I carry within me the strenght of all the sorcerers and women in my family.
Trust me rapist, you’re doomed.
For the rest of my life, I will think of you when I fight against sexual violence, your silhouette and your eyes stand as motivation to scream and say out loud the truth of what that rape was : a revenge of all women and a lesbophobic murder.
On me, in me, for the longest minutes, you took revenge over your past, your pain, your fears. You were never as emotional than when you raped me but this is exactly what I should not say, that rape is human, that rape, this energy of destruction in inherent to the human nature and not only for men. What happens when a man rapes a woman has almost nothing to do with sex. In regards to my experience, it has everything to do with the repressed and hidden emotional wounds we carry within ourselves. I can’t help but ask : what the fuck happened to you ? Who brainwashed you to the point you could believe it was okay to do what you did ?
You hurt me for life and I hold you responsible for that, in spite of the past, of the patriarchy. You should be held accountable for you actions as a human man. Sexism is a fact yes, homophobia and patriarchy too, but you have a brain and you should know that raping is a crime.
That scar, that joyless feeling I was left with is a 100% your responsibility. People like you, rapists, harassers, aggressors, predators, murderers, are bound together to silent oath, you are damned souls tied to destiny of darkness.
Unlike you, I am a being of light, I was made to survive and be born again despite all the hate and all the violence.
The words you said, your innocent look, the phrase “ you fucking whore” out of you mouth are still poison in my veins. I will make art out of this, I will create poetry from this memory.
You should know too that you failed in annihilating me. My hope, my strength, my love and my friends saved me from despair. You are nothing but a dark spot in my life, a bump on my path of recovering in this life from all the violences of the past.
I was brought on this earth to tell some truths and important stories. Thanks to you know, I, as so many sisters do, am shedding a light I this fact : those who’ve been raped gather together twice the strength rapists like you have.
We, us, have superpowers. We are fighters and warriors and survivors.We are capable of anything.
Dear rapist, I do not wish you the best, I wish you the worst. I want to think of you less and less and liberate myself from any kind of guilt and shame. This is all on you and I will be free.
With pride, grace and fierceness, I sign this letter with love for myself and all victims of rape.
Louie Z. Marat.